11:35 Apr 26 2024
Times Read: 212
Bad storms. All night.
Never liked storms. Childhood fear.
It used to be that when it stormed I would tell Wolfie I was scared. And he would call me, no matter the time or how exhausted or busy he was. He would stay with me until it passed.
Whatever people may think of Wolfie, whatever he ever thought of himself, I know who he really was.
It's hard to let go.
It's hard facing the storm alone.
09:08 Apr 20 2024
Times Read: 526
My cat has been limping a couple days now. He seems perfectly fine aside from that so I think it's just a sprain. The reality we both have to face is that he's getting into his senior years. At the age of 35, I feel like I am too. Everything is just exhausting and tedious. I was talking to my mother recently because she was telling me that my oldest sister says the same things I do, we're pretty over this planet, this life. I just feel like whatever I was put here to learn, I've learned, and it's time to move on. Not enough to kill myself, of course, I don't believe in that. I don't think anyone should prematurely end their own lives. Because maybe you're wrong, maybe there's more out there for you. It reminds me of when Wolfie used to tell me he had considered euthanasia before we'd met. Apparently there are countries that will fucking kill you if you can prove your mental suffering is strong enough. So when I think about Wolfie, which is often, that occasionally crosses my mind. I can't imagine living the life he's led, and fighting as hard as he has just to fucking roll over. But I also couldn't imagine working as hard as he has for everything he had just to fucking walk away from his whole life. So. I'm not blaming him. I know he just wants to get better. Cheshire asks me why I don't just reach out, text him, call him, whatever. I just feel like I don't have the right to reach. He left to get better. He couldn't get better beside me. And I know it's deeper than that, I know it has nothing to do with me, but I just feel like... it needs to be up to him. When he's ready. If he's ever ready. To reach out. Our relationship happened during a very tumultuous time in his life. I may even be triggering to him. He may want to stay as far away from me as possible. So, it's up to him. Of course I love him. But I didn't break us. I can't fix us. Again, I don't blame him, it was a really shitty, unfortunate, badly timed situation. But ya know, better now than 20 years from now. My parents got married very young, and their relationship was extremely difficult for the first 15 or so years because my mother was an extremely broken person back then. Which she admits to. She had to put in a lot of work on herself, it took her a long time to get to a good place in her own head, and how my parents survived that back then, I don't know. Because she left not only my dad, but also her four children for extended periods of time, months, up to a year, she'd have to go away from her whole life because she couldn't get better with us. It didn't mean she didn't love us, healing is just such a person thing, sometimes you can only get there on your own. I took it really personally when Wolfie first left. I saw it as... why am I not enough for you to stay? When really it was, do you love him enough to let him go? And I fucking do. Because I did. I get it now. Or I think I do. Nightmare scenario is that Wolfie is just sitting alone in an apartment somewhere, working himself to death, back to the robot he was when we met. With all the money, all the connections, all the resources he has access to, he could go anywhere, do anything, try anything to get better. He always had these extreme solutions in his mind, getting lobotomized or castrated, like that would help him. I swear if he comes back missing brain or balls...I mean, if it makes him feel better, I can't even be upset. I guess?
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